Fremantle's New Australia Day Plans

Fremantle Plans Australia Day Celebration To Offend No One.

Colin Ebsworth
August 6, 2017

In a new stunning turn of events the Fremantle City Council has decided to move Australia day entirely off the calendar and onto an ethereal plain of existence. The move was made after the controversial date change earlier this year which drew heavy criticism from both white and white but slightly-tanned-from-a-previous-weekend-at-the-beach groups.

“We just don’t want to offend anyone and we realize no matter what we did we would be so we decided to move the celebration to a realm void of time or location. Also can you find a way to work in that I’m now vegan?,” commented Fremantle’s Vegan Mayor.

The issue continues to be divisive with a majority of people asking “How does drinking and fireworks actually show how much we care about something anyway?,” before being king hit at the foreshore by those screaming that Australia day is about blind nationalistic rhetoric to subdue and distract from conscious dissent “Aussie Pride”.

The issue gained momentum after several citizens groups pointed out that the 26th of January was, for indigenous Australians, the beginning of a brutal campaign of conquest and genocide.

Thankfully there may be no need to change the date at all as the original grievances committed against Australia’s first people were solved when Perth man Darryl Koy posted on his Facebook that “they should just get over it”.

With the issue of 250 years of racism resolved there may be no need for the date change after all and citizens of Perth can get back to Australia day traditions like BBQ’s, beers and the hottest 100 police paddywagons causing deaths in custody resulting from gross negligence by the W.A police that year.

Colin Ebsworth

Colin is a Perth based comedian who started performing standup eight years ago and has been making people laugh for three. He's been described as one of the most prolific young comics in the state and a "real sweetheart" by over 80% of mother's polled. When he's not writing jokes he's wondering what Kanye is doing and praying he finds some measure of happiness in his endeavours.