It’s the female conundrum: girls with small ones always want bigger ones, and girls with big ones always want smaller ones. If you fall into the latter category take it from me, these fun sacks aren’t the Baywatch bouncing dream they are often believed to be. For my fellow females who are overcompensated in the breast department, I got your back(problems).
From a power walk to a full on sprint this can be dangerous. You have to be careful not to knock yourself unconscious whilst trying to lose a few kilos. Who knew exercise could be such a health risk?
One of the prominent slogans for feminism these days is “lean in”. However, this phrase didn’t factor in large breasted women. Leaning can lead to awkward stains on your shirt, knocking things over or the embarrassing ogle straight down the cleavage. The last one can make any board meeting awkward in an instant.
Low cut tops may look great on the model with the A-cup but realistically on a decent sized chest, they appear very different. The cute top you loved that only showed a moderate amount of skin ends up looking closer to stripping attire with the amount of cleavage on display.
On the other hand, high cut tops aren’t any better. While the more conservative option of the two, this type of clothing often leads to the dreaded “sausage boob”. They also can make your ample bosom appear even bigger than normal.
Eyes are up here boys. Cue: “I’m too sexy for my shirt”.
Bras never fit and neither do bathers
Don’t even bother to look at the nice bras with the fun patterns and lace. Bypass them completely until all you can see is aisles and aisles of nude/black/white thick-strapped “grandma bras” which are great for support but would never make the Victoria Secret catwalk. Not to mention they always cost three times the more than the smaller sizes. The same goes for bathers. By the time you find the strapless number in your size, it’s had thick straps added, underwire put in and comes in a completely different shape.
Knowing the impossibility of wearing anything backless
Whilst the smaller chested ladies make “side boob” look sexy; if you’re sporting some serious knockers the effect ends up looking more like two squished pancakes slowly seeping out the sides rather than tasteful skin. And you can forget about “Stick-on bras” or chicken fillets; once you hit a D-cup or bigger there is no option other than to free-ball it. Even if you manage to squeeze the girls into a D-cup, they just fall off after an hour from the weight.
Come summer, these fun sacks turn into a new source of grief. Peeling your bra off after a long day to see wet patches that rival your armpits. If you’re walking around braless, it’s just a matter of time before those stray drips start trickling down your stomach.
An action that is supposed to a be a loving embrace between friends or loved ones becomes mildly sexual. We both know it; you can feel these melons pressing into your chest. If it’s lady to lady, you get to experience the boob-high five.
Things getting stuck in your cleavage
From long necklaces to over the shoulder handbag straps, the female cleavage is like a beacon for foreign objects. Don’t even get me started on eating crumbly food, once something has dropped down there - it’s gone.
Blazers and button up tops
The constant fear of one or more of your buttons popping open is a serious issue for busty women. Not to mention the inability to close your blazer because it transforms itself into a straightjacket.
Laying down without a bra on
The ultimate magic trick is when you get into bed at the end of the night and slowly watch your two massive cans slide off your chest to rest firmly in their position for the evening – underneath your underarms.